PET RULES
[To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.]
Dear
Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print decorations are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine
and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR
and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I can
fall faster
than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this inconvenience. Do
not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when
they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also
know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For
the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine,
meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the door and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same doorI
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order
is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's bum. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have
posted the following message on our front door:
"To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit"
[& Like to Complain About Our Pets]
1. Our pets live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4.
To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak
clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
A. Eat less
B. Don't ask for money all the
time
C. Are easier to train
D. Normally come when called
E. Never ask to drive the car
F. Don't hang out with
drug-using friends
G. Don't smoke or drink
H. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
I. Don't want to wear your clothes
J.
Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
K. If they get pregnant, you can give away their children.